Musings of a man living on his own

Recently, I had a huge shock. I got offered a new job....in a new city....relatively far away from home....after moving back to Maine from Florida. For the second time in my life, I had to move into a grown up living situation, which came less than 3 months after the first time. I was scared and nervous. I don't like change. I am essentially a boring old man.

Albeit a badass "boring old man"

Well, this change has brought on some unexpected changes. Like, apparently, dishes need to get washed. I have a dishwasher, so I figured that part would be easy. And then I got unexpected lesson number 2. Apparently, when you use dishsoap meant for handwashing the dishes in the dishwasher, the dishwasher contracts rabies and starts foaming at the mouth. It was like a Maine snowsquall had hit my kitchen floor. I had to resist so very much urge to not turn my kitchen floor into an epic slip and slide.

Another important lesson I learned was the food needs to be bought. While I lived at my parents, food just always seemed to appear in the fridge. I assumed some sort of magic elves brought us the food in the middle of the night.

(Sidebar: I would like to thank my Ma for always being said magic elf. She always kept me from starving.)

And theres so very many choices. There are like 10 different kinds of oranges. Did you know that? Also, toaster waffles and bacon are both really expensive. So, the choice was not get bacon and toaster waffles or only get bacon and toaster waffles.

Guess which choice I made

My apartment wasn't the only shocking change to my life either. I also realized that now I have to find a new place to go to mass. My home parish is too far away so I don't really go there any more. The city cathedral was always my backup location. But the problem with there is going into the city is a hassle and a little hectic. Plus, the city is also fairly far to drive every week. Thus, I was left with few options. The Latin Mass parish that I had been attending in the city has a mass locally. I considered that since i love the 1962 Latin Mass. The Latin Mass at the local church was 8 am. So yeah, that wasn't going to work. The Lifeteen Mass was a choice, but it was 530pm, during football season. So that was out too. At least until February.

The local parish was an option. I knew some of the pastoral staff. The YM staff wanted me to join their team and start helping them out. It seemed like a genuinely good choice. I went to the most popular mass. It's held in this gorgeous stone cathedral-style basilica. Absolutely beautiful church. Also, the liturgy is very classically done and I like classical liturgies. Yet, the first time I went, because I was an outsider, I was treated like a unwanted criminal. They refused to allow me to speak to the priest. The ushers treated me with a great deal of disrespect. It was abhorrent. I had never felt so mistreated in all my years at a mass. At one point, I was seriously considering filing a report with the chancery and the pastor. After a period to calm myself, I realized that that wouldn't be very charitable and realized that it wasn't worth dwelling on. Needless to say, though, I decided I would not be attending the parish high mass. I knew exactly what Pope Francis had been preaching about when he said "We need to avoid the spiritual sickness of a church that is wrapped up in its own world: when a church becomes like this, it grows sick."

This! This is what we need!

The final option I had was the country parish. 20 or so minutes outside my new city, there was this little country parish. It was this adorable, white-picket fence style church. Definitely had a country town vibe to it. The sad part, however, was that for some reason, possibly heating costs knowing Maine, the mass was held in the church hall. It felt a little strange, especially with that adorable church just a few feet in front of the hall. Yet, the Pastor was an amazingly homilist. The parishioners were all very welcoming. Several people came up after to mass and asked if I was visiting the town or new to town. The young families all had kids running around playing together after mass. It felt like a holy, and welcoming community. A community that, sadly, was in a box shaped hall with metal folding chairs with very little music that was broadcast through tiny amps. The pastor and I even talked about helping restart their defunct youth ministry program.

This! This is also what we need!

Now, I'm not saying that every church has to have a golden altar and 30 altar servers in full dress and a concert pianist at the organ. In fact, the tiny church was very tastefully done for the options they had. I have, however, also worked at and attended mass at parishes that are intentionally minimalist/box churches. One of my former parishes hid its tabernacle in a reservation chapel that was in the far back corner of a dark hallway. Another had like this giant bay view window that served no purpose, since it had no view. It was just this giant window behind the altar. Another parish I've seen had like a glass, see-through tabernacle. Sometimes the modernist/minimalist parishes just look distasteful, especially when they don't reverence the Holy Presence of the Eucharist. On the other hand, though, I have experienced and know other who have felt unwelcome at many of the very classical parishes. Maybe not intentionally, but music ministers who care more about the music than leading the people in worship. Pastors who, most likely unintentionally, become aloof from their parishioners. And parishioners who seem suspicious of new or visiting parishioners.




This trip to the country parish made me think. We are not an either/or Church. We are a "Both/And" Church. We need the Benedicts and the Francises (Francisses? Frances?) We need to be a Church that invites the most broken. But we must invite them into the most beautiful thing ever: The salvation of our Lord Jesus Christ. We need to be a "Both/And" Church because Christ's love was "Both/And". God humbled himself to become man and welcome mankind to his kingdom. He would then go on to have the most beautiful ministry culminating in the most beautiful act of love and humility ever. God died so that we could live. Amen!

A "Both/And" love

One of the most important questions a gentleMAN will ever have to ask himself

Gentlemen: I'm here to help you answer what is, arguably, the most important question a guy will ever have to ask himself.  "What is this question of questions?" you ask. I assume out loud to your computer, you weirdo.  Is it "What do I wanna do with my life?" or "When do I ask out the girl of my dreams?" or even "How should I finally propose?"

Not like this.  Never like this.

No the question trumps all of those.  In fact, from what I can tell, it is more important than all the other important questions combined.  Gentlemen, the question that has plagued man since God has granted us freedom from our single-celled overlords (I'm not exactly sure how evolution works) is....duh-duh-duh....

"WHAT IS THE BEST SETUP OF A WORKOUT PLAYLIST?"

Now I know many of you did a spit-take immediately after reading that.  I'm sure many of your scoff at my claims of ability to answer the most unanswerable of questions.  I'm pretty sure Plato went crazy trying to answer that exact question.  Fear not, citizen.  I have discovered that I indeed have a superpower, and that superpower is that of creating perfect workout mixes.  I can no longer use my power selfishly. To quote Uncle Ben (The comic book mentor, not the rice.), "With great playlists comes great responsibility."

Let me start by climbing up on a soapbox.  When it comes to playlists, I highly encourage everyone to use a smart device such as iPhone, Android, or iPod and use youtube playlists as your workout mix.  "Why?" you undoubtedly asked out loud to your computer(again).Simple!  A playlist, at least a workout mix, should be more than just a collection of songs.  Youtube has a much better selection of videos from songs, to quotes, to inspirtational videos, to movie clips.  iTunes has like none of this stuff.  Well except the tunes part, but still.  And without much further ado, the part you've all been waiting for.....

THE MOST PERFECT WORKOUT 

PLAYLIST MIX POSSIBLE

Let me start by saying that this mix isn't about the songs, themselves.  You see, a great workout mix is more about the layout.  When it comes down to it, you should take the layout concepts, and fill the spots in with songs that fit your musical preference.  I was very lucky in that my musical tastses have always been very eclectic.  So mix up my mixed up mix, I guess is what I'm saying.

Song 1: Not actually a song, but the first audio clip of any workout mix should be an inspirational movie quote.  My personal choice has always been "Aragorn's Speech at the Black Gate", but the Braveheart "Freedom" speech is a great choice.  Another great choice is Pacino's "Any Given Sunday" speech, if you don't mind a little vulgarity.

Songs 2: This one should be, in continuing the movie theme, some epic montage video.  I'd encourage the video/song combo, but the song is at least necessary.  When considering what to put here, the natural inclination comes from one source: The Italian Stallion himself, Rocky Balboa.  Either "Eye of the Tiger" (my choice) or the original "Rocky" theme song.  It's important to note that, regardless of whichever one you use now, the other should definitely make an appearance later, as should the Rocky IV theme "Burning Heart".

Songs 3-5: These are the ones that you have the most liberty with.  As long as these are pump up music, it really doesnt matter what genre or anything.  I encourage you to diversify as much as you can.  Some country, some rock, some hip hop.  One song I always try to include may actually come as a shock.  The old Garth Brooks song "Standing Outside the Fire" is a great workout song and video.  As is the Hadouken song "Levitate", especially when set to this epic "People are Awesome" video.  But once again, this the most personalized section of the mix.

Song 6:  This one will be a tough sell.  But you gotta trust me on this dudes.  At least 1-2 songs of your playlist mix should be from a musical.  I know that sounds crazy, but there is a method to my madness.  You see, some musicals actually have some pretty badass songs.  The easiest one to get into a workout mix is "Les Mis".  Granted half the movie is about two people trying to be in a forbidden love.  Yet, the other half is "Guys try to start/stop a revolutionary war and all get brutally murdered while going down fighting."  Also, in all honesty, guys, a real gentleman is classy enough to enjoy theatre.  Think about it: Batman owns Gotham's Stage Theatre, Iron Man has regularly been seen being brought to theatre, and the entire soundtrack to FREAKIN Star Wars was written and performed by a classical composer/conductor.  You get bonus points with your lady friend and you get to see people killing each other.  Thus, include at least "Red and Black" and/or "Song of Angry Men" from Les Mis.  "Stars" from Les Mis, some of the Newsies soundtrack, and most of the West Side Story soundtrack also work.

Just to be clear, "Wicked" is never acceptable for a workout mix....

  

Songs 7-X with x being how many songs it takes to finish your workout time(I usually plan for an hour with warmups/cooldowns): Repeat steps 1-6.  Even the movie clips.  Halfway through and moreso with the long workouts, you need the pep talk from the perfect coaches: Montage/Movie coaches.

Seriously though: not this /\

Next to Last song: This is the one that I refuse to grant you any leeway on.  If your playlist for your workout is to be perfect, it should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS end with this song.  "What song?" you ask my pudgy, pasty playlistless friend

Obviously

Last Last Last "song" on your playlist: Although not tecnically a song, and not technically during your workout, your workout mix should end with this scene from LotR: Two Towers

because we need to remind outselves that everything: our workouts, our jobs, our relationships, everything will eventually in one way or another bring about good.  That's just how God works.

The Sexy Hijacking of Halloween: A gentleMAN's perspective

Last week, two wonderfully Catholic ladies, Jackie Angel and Leah Darrow, posted a blog post about the absurdity that is becoming women's Halloween costumes called The Sexy Hijacking of Halloween.

 The premise was quite straightforward.  Halloween costumes have become less and less modest.  I encourage everyone to read their article, especially my readers of the fairer gender.  I can honestly say that, as a burly curmudgeonly man at the ripe old age of 28, that I can not give young ladies advice any better than they do. So I'll address the other "burlies" out there.

Like I said, "burly and curmudgeonly"  Also I really wish I

remembered what caused me to make this expression

First of all, let me start by talking about girl's outfits.  I would be lying if I said I always tried very hard to seek modesty and practice chastity.  I was once a teenage boy.  As I've gotten older, though, I came to notice something.  Girls dressed modestly radiate something that all guys really want.  Beauty.  Not the photoshopped ultra trick photography beauty that Vogue puts in its magazines.(I apologize for knowing the name of that magazine.)  But real, authentic beauty.  The kind of beauty that a pregnant mother just radiates.  The kind of beauty that a father sees when he hands off his daughter as a bride. Hell, the kinda beauty a father should always see in his daughter. The kind of beauty I will see when I'm one day the man he's handing her off to.  That's real beauty.  

That is real, God given beauty.  The kind of beauty that all women have because they are Princesses in the Kingdom of God.  They are the daughter being given from the Father.  That's the kind of beauty that the best photographers and photoshoppers can't artificially create.  It's internally inherent to all women. There's an old song that I love listening to.  It's by Steven Curtis Chapman and the chorus is so powerful.  "I can see the fingerprints of God, when I look at you.  Oh I can see the fingerprints of God and I know it's true.  You're a masterpiece that all creation quietly applauds and you're covered with the fingerprints of God."  The song a powerful testament to the fact that God hand creates us all and we're all inherently beautiful because, in simple terms, we're God's creation.

"What does this have to do with Halloween costumes?" you ask: hypothetical reader of my blog.  Well, it's not just Halloween costumes, its beachwear, and winter wear, and basically the entire Victoria's Secret store.  We sell women, and even young girls, this notion that they are only beautiful if they reveal themselves.  A lot of themselves.  No wonder there's a body image perception issue in this country.  We sell it to them for record profits.  So ladies, here's my final dude thoughts, "You're too beautiful to let a costume or a bikini say otherwise.  I promise."

Something like this

Guys!!!!(literally male readers) we need to start showing the world that we can see real beauty.  You know that Gallant Knight-"Gonna knock that guy out" feeling you get when someone creeps on your spouse, or girlfriend, or sister, or ma?  That's how we should feel about how to treat all ladies.  We should expect each other to treat all women and girls with the same respect we expect of our loved ones.

Definitely something like this

We need to "gentleMAN" up.  We need to be better than the pigs girls sometimes think we are.  Hell, we need to be better than the pigs we sometimes actually are.  We need to see the inherent beauty of all women. They honestly are the princesses Disney always told them they were.  We need to be the Prince Charmings, the Flynn Ryders, the Prince Adams, hell even Shrek the Ogre was more of a man than Lord Farquaad.  

This here is a real man....er....well Ogre

One final thing, and while Jackie and Leah's article was wonderful.  It missed a crucial point.  Men's costumes can be pretty unchaste too.  Don't believe me?  Do a google search for funny men's costumes. Almost all of the results fall into one category.  "Haha, this costume makes something that isn't supposed to be phallic into something that IS phallic.  HAHAHAHA witty."  I found this out when trying to think up a funny Halloween costume, I searched for that exact phrase and with the exception of the occasional banana suit which, to be fair, is freaking hilarious, all costumes fell into that category.  Guys. I'm sorry if this gets a little blunt, but we are more than our penises.  We have brains, personalities, ambitions, friends, families, senses of humor(even non phallus related humor), and so much more to offer the world than that one piece of our anatomy.  Let's act like it.  Honestly.

See?  Non-middle school funny